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When dinosaurs regulated the Earth

 

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Friday, 21 June 2013

When dinosaurs regulated the Earth

Leading dinosaurs tried to cover up the Ice Age, according to a shocking report which has come to light this week. The revelation threatens to overshadow the week’s other big cover-up story involving the Care Quality Commission.

The conspirators’ identities were kept secret for 65 million years because a group of fossils warned that disclosure could breach data protection laws.

Dinosaur leaders first became aware of a mass of translucent material encroaching on their world towards the end of the Jurassic period. “Although it moved very slowly, it was clear that this stuff, which we called ‘the Transparency’ posed a serious threat to our way of life,” said a diplodocus, who declined to be named.

“Much of the planet at that time was covered in thick vegetation, which gave us plenty of places to hide, but as the Transparency inched ever closer our habitat was being destroyed. Not only that, but it was getting a bit chilly,” he added.

The dinosaurs appointed a regulator whose job was to reassure the other creatures that everything was fine. Publicly the regulator praised the Transparency for what it called “the transformational changes it promises to bring to the emerging Cretaceous landscape”. Privately, the regulator and other senior dinosaurs did everything they could to stop it.

They tried a number of ingenious tactics to halt the advancing ice, including:

  • Hoping the problem would go away
  • Throwing their weight around
  • Roaring
  • Regularly inspecting things
  • Writing reports
  • Throwing fudge in its path

Eventually they commissioned an independent report, which concluded that everyone was doomed. The dinosaurs’ press officer advised against publication, so the report and the press officer were shredded.

But after it became clear that nothing could be done to avert disaster, a copy of the report, entitled Nothing is Our Fault, was published with the word “dinosaur” crossed out wherever it appeared.

The regulator went on Radio 4’s Today programme to deliver the clear message that “we couldn’t possibly tell you who did it”, which was further clarified a few days later when he announced: “Here are those names in full.”

Paleontology correspondent: Julian Patterson

Editor’s note: the names of individual dinosaurs have been redacted to protect the extinct.

 
Anonymous says:
Jun 21, 2013 03:37 AM
You don't say whether the dinosaurs gave up their pensions in an act of contrition.
Anonymous says:
Jun 21, 2013 08:36 AM
and you have failed to comment that there is no panic cos the mighty Lord from the big house in ice lands of Westminister going to reshuffle the dinosaurs and it will all be safe again-there you are 'sorted'
p.s. I hope that you are using a pseudonym to to 'protect the public
Anonymous says:
Jun 21, 2013 10:15 AM
However, some senior leaders and political types who subscribe the the Creationist Agenda are certain that the whole dinosaurs / ice age transparency thing and 65 Million years of evolution will all be over in 7 days, because they read it in a book in their formative years. They have a clear believe that during the period of their summer migration to San Tropez or Ibiza things will be resolved somehow by "the all-mighty" and they can get back to business as usual in the autumn.
Alison Giraud-Saunders
Alison Giraud-Saunders says:
Jun 21, 2013 11:44 AM
Sadly some people are much more excited about naming names than about reflecting on the value of regulation as a contribution to improving services
Anonymous says:
Jun 21, 2013 11:59 AM
Who has the time to write this dribble?
Julian Patterson
Julian Patterson says:
Jun 21, 2013 12:10 PM
11:59 I knock them out between inspections.
Big Mach
Big Mach says:
Jun 24, 2013 08:32 PM
Analogy's a bit clunky but I get the point. I don't subscribe to the conspiracy theorists, there's enough rank incompetence at the CQC to explain this recent shambles. The Daily Mail just want to see gibbets fully of NHS managers and I wouldn't advise going down that road. However, the answer to a failed regulatory system isn't more regulation....... oh, apparently it is!
John Paul Maytum
John Paul Maytum says:
Jun 26, 2013 03:27 PM
The interesting thing about regulation is that it's always shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. (or reminding the stable hands they have to shut the door or face the regulator).

Still no substitute for people being accountable for getting things right in the first place.

(Declaration of interest: I've worked for health regulators, but not the CQC)
Anonymous says:
Jun 29, 2013 06:39 PM
No lesons learnt - however during this evolution some learnt about the art of teflon coating!
Richard Bramwell
Richard Bramwell says:
Jul 21, 2013 05:23 PM
I apologize for the sarcastic tone of this letter, but I have found it is the only way to vent the ineffable anger that possessed me when I heard Transparency say that wicked gaberlunzies and manipulative hypochondriacs should rule this country. If you disagree with my claim that the inspissated perissology in its writings obscures their underlying call for pigeonholing people into predetermined categories, then read no further. Whenever I confront Transparency about its unconscionable asseverations, it either tells me that I don't understand it or feeds me some meaningless mumbo-jumbo about zabernism. Let me express that same thought in slightly different terms: If I try really, really hard, I can almost see why Transparency would want to silence any criticism of the brainwashing and double standards that it has increasingly been practicing.
Richard Bramwell
Richard Bramwell says:
Jul 21, 2013 05:23 PM
Transparency has been known to say that its mistakes are always someone else's fault. That notion is so childish, I hardly know where to begin refuting it. Transparency wants to become an intellectual without the hardship of study and serious thought. That's probably obvious to a blind man on a galloping horse. Nevertheless, I suspect that few people reading this letter are aware that Transparency's magic-bullet explanations have merged with onanism in several interesting ways. Both spring from the same kind of reality-denying mentality. Both demand that loyalty to unstable jargonauts supersedes personal loyalty. And both reward those who knowingly or unknowingly play along with its rejoinders while punishing those who oppose them.

Richard Bramwell
Richard Bramwell says:
Jul 21, 2013 05:30 PM
That's why I strive for utmost clarity whenever I explain to others that you, of course, now need some hard evidence that Transparency has made some very dangerous assumptions about materialistic ideologues. Well, how about this for evidence: If we don't draw an accurate portrait of its ideological alignment, our children will curse us in our graves.