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Use the Force, Simon


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Thursday, 23 June 2016

Use the Force, Simon

The NHS has once again come under fire for hiring a trendy management consultant to advise bosses on strategy.

Professor Luke Skywalker, who describes himself as the "last living Jedi Master" has been brought in to teach NHS managers how to cope with the pressures of rising demand and a shrinking budget.

Professor Skywalker is credited with pioneering coaching methods combining mindfulness with lightsabre combat skills.

His controversial “energy channelling” technique is the subject of a long-running legal battle over intellectual property rights with former mentor and business partner OW Kenobi.

Attack of the clones

Critics say Skywalker’s claim to be able to turn "downtrodden management clones into super-successful corporate warriors” is “pure science fiction”. 

They also raise doubts about claims made on Skywalker's CV. These include his account of his early career as a Jedi fighter pilot in an unspecified galaxy "far, far away".

Hitting back, Professor Skywalker said: “For years NHS managers have blamed lack of money or the Centre for their problems, but all the time they were looking in the wrong place. We have all the resources we need within us. I call this the Force – and in return for a few hundred thousand of your Earth pounds I can show you where to look for it.” 

One critic said: “It’s bad enough that the NHS is paying for consultants, but this guy is on a different planet. We’ll be spending a fortune on his travel expenses alone.”

NHS England would not comment on the deal reached with Professor Skywalker, but denied it was “astronomical”.

Death Star

NHS England chief executive Han Solo defended Professor Skywalker’s credentials. “I worked with Luke during my time at Galactic Health and always admired his coolness under pressure and his take-no-prisoners approach to problems of organisational culture, weak leadership and evil Sith empires,” he said.

“I understand why people are sceptical after years of failed NHS management initiatives, but we’ve tried everything else, including World Class Commissioning, QIPP, CIP, failure regimes, success regimes, STPs and forward views so we might as well give this a go.” 

The sinister gastropod Jebba the Huntt has backed the use of the Force to impose financial controls on NHS Death Stars, after Solo's co-pilot Jim-macca failed in his heroic attempt to terrify them into submission.

Solo is not the first leader to put his faith in the supernatural. Former NHS boss Sir Darth Nicholson relied on a deadly mystical power known as Grip to defeat his enemies. Sir Darth was vaporised shortly before the money ran out.

Science fiction editor: NHS Networks


Jeff Hudson
Jeff Hudson says:
Jun 24, 2016 10:41 AM

Your lack of faith is disturbing...

julie upton
julie upton says:
Jun 24, 2016 11:00 AM

Nice Yoda quote! He also said "Difficult to see. Always in motion is the future"...

Clive Spindley
Clive Spindley says:
Jun 26, 2016 11:19 PM

Best to jump ship, on to the StarShip Enterprise, money is meaningless on that side, and the Doctors have a magic wand.