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Sustainability and transformation parties: mandatory guidance

 

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  • Sustainability and transformation parties: mandatory guidance
    5 December 2019

    As Christmas fast approaches, system leaders are getting ready for so-called sustainability and transformation parties, the highlight of the year for those who enjoy kinky integration with strangers.

  • All the latest health policy news from the general **** campaign
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    The programme delivery group at One Blithering, the emergent NHS Blithering integrated care system, has published an interim report containing the provisional findings of a year-long strategic review.

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    25 July 2019

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Thursday, 5 December 2019

Sustainability and transformation parties: mandatory guidance

As Christmas fast approaches, system leaders are getting ready for so-called sustainability and transformation parties, the highlight of the year for those who enjoy kinky integration with strangers.

In this year’s STP manual, now circulating on the dark web (www. england.nhs.uk), party-goers are encouraged to get ready for “meaningless relationships and the opportunity to form new bonds and tighten existing ones”.

Bottom-up movement

So how does it work? It starts with an invitation. You can’t just turn up. If you run a hospital you’re almost certainly on the list, mainly because you already have access to some pretty wild stuff – nurses’ uniforms, anaesthetics, clamps, money, that sort of thing.

It could be fun to invite a few GPs as long as they promise not to talk about workload – big turn-off – or their fantasies about flogging the NHS.

Don’t ask the local authority – after all this is supposed to be fun. Besides, they never turn up anyway. “Scrutiny” may sound intriguing, but it just means they want to keep their coats on and watch.

Key benefits

What to wear? Whatever you feel most comfortable in. Many prefer loose arrangements that can be slipped off with ease, but others like a tight outfit, particularly if they’re into “improvement”.  Choose leather or PVC if you plan to come as a financial regulator, chair of a governance committee or a CQC inspector.

When your guests arrive, everyone throws their keys in a bowl and then picks a set at random to choose a partner. But that’s just to get things going: the idea is to collaborate with everyone at least once during the course of the evening and preferably with multiple partners at the same time. 

Table-top exercise

Remember that it might take time for the participants to shed their inhibitions. They will be excited but not sure where it’s heading. Some will find it all disgusting and choose to go home early. Let them – this isn’t a statutory arrangement.

Others will be frightened of embarrassment and/or pain and will need to be coaxed before they agree to join in. If they’re shy, consider an ice-breaker involving everyone turning to the person next to them and telling them what they want to get out of the session. Then perhaps move on to a table-top exercise.

Improvement framework

There will be a range of different tastes and fetishes – try to accommodate them all. Hiring in special equipment? Great, but make sure everyone gets a turn on the framework. Of course there will need to be ties, but they shouldn’t be too tight. Start with informal commitments and work up from there. Don’t let anyone dominate unless everyone is into that sort of thing. System leadership is not everybody’s cup of tea.

Do not allow anything involving whips, chains or spanking without first agreeing terms of reference. A good STP needs governance and lots of it. Once that’s clear, you can set up a punishment regime in the kitchen or the cellar with robust performance management for those who have been very naughty. If you want to heighten the excitement, simply say: “I’m afraid I’m going to have to hold you to account for that…”

Finally, agree a safe word so that people can be released from the support chassis if they’re no longer enjoying themselves. 

Firm underpinnings

Above all, remember this is casual integration with no commitments – what happens at the programme board meeting stays at the programme board meeting. Phones to be handed in at the door – we don’t want any compromising selfies or shots of firm underpinnings being circulated on social media later.

Things are going to get pretty intense for the next couple of hours, but after all the uninhibited free love everyone will go back to their regular lives and pretend that nothing has happened. Just as they do after every other meeting.

Sport editor: Julian Patterson

julian.patterson@networks.nhs.uk
@NHSnetworks

 
Elizabeth Welsh
Elizabeth Welsh says:
Dec 05, 2019 06:00 PM

Great post

Jonathan Wells
Jonathan Wells says:
Dec 05, 2019 08:56 PM

This is brilliant! Julian has clearly been reading Nicholas Timmins' recent article on Integration from the Kings Fund where STPs and ICSs are defined almost entirely in terms of what they are not.

Julian Patterson
Julian Patterson says:
Dec 05, 2019 10:21 PM

Thanks, both. I haven't read the Nick Timmins piece but I'll seek it out

Anonymous says:
Dec 06, 2019 09:28 AM

Your blog definitely cheered me up.. I am surprised that PC brigade has not dragged you through mud!!

Anonymous says:
Dec 06, 2019 02:47 PM

Tee Hee! Fabulous Friday Frivolity as usual, keep up the good work.