The Sentient Electro-Nuclear Transformation Accelerator (SENTA) is an NHS version of CERN’s Large Hadron Collider: a 27 kilometre ring of superconducting managers hidden in an extensive network of tunnels in central London. NHS England claims it is the world’s biggest innovation accelerator, although the North Koreans are thought to be building an even bigger one.

In trials, raw ideas fed into the SENTA were propelled at speeds several times the speed of light until they fused with other half-baked thought particles and emerged as positively charged innovations.

“The ideas don’t have to be any good, they just need to be driven at warp speeds, at which point they generate immense heat,” said an NHS England spokesman.

Scientists are hoping that in future the process may also produce light.

Blasted around the ring

Other possibilities include being able to use the machine as a “personnel accelerator”. NHS managers could be blasted around the ring until they become hyper-productive or disappear up themselves. For those already up themselves, the accelerator could cause them to develop near-human characteristics.

The SENTA’s ability to bend time and make infinite atomic subdivisions means that it could also solve critical workforce shortages. Instead of waiting a decade for 5000 extra GPs or 40,000 more nurses, one or two “donors” from each profession could be fed into the machine, which would churn out hundreds of clones in a matter of minutes.

The spokesman said: “By injecting suitable material into the collider at the point of atomic fusion, we could design in the characteristics we want, such as placid acceptance of rising workload, enthusiasm for ACOs and an aversion to contracts for life. Similarly, undesirable characteristics, such as belonging to the BMA or demanding a pay rise, could be factored out.”

Largescale replication engine

All of these applications should be possible when the SENTA is capable of rational thought at full operational speeds, NHS England says. In its current form, the machine is mainly used for simple low-speed initiative recycling.

The spokesman warned that extensive testing would need to be done before the SENTA could be deployed for real-world transformation.

“In the meantime we’re going to keep doing the same thing until we get a different result,” he said.

NHS England denies that the billions of pounds spent on the SENTA have been wasted.   

The spokesman said: “We will start to roll it out across STP footprints as soon as all stakeholders are engaged, we’ve hardwired the integrated whole-system capability and we’ve got suitable assurance and governance arrangements in place.

“Until then, think of it as an extremely large photocopier, but very much more expensive to run.” 

Science editor: Julian Patterson

@jtweeterson
julian.patterson@networks.nhs.uk