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Nothing left to shift: fears grow over NHS paradigm supply

 

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    12 March 2020

    The government has issued a stark warning that stocks of paradigms and other basic supplies could soon run out if NHS managers continue panic-buying.

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Thursday, 12 March 2020

Nothing left to shift: fears grow over NHS paradigm supply

The government has issued a stark warning that stocks of paradigms and other basic supplies could soon run out if NHS managers continue panic-buying.

NHS leaders appealed for calm after managers worried about shortages rushed to stockpile theories, concepts and essential terminology for use in vital strategy documents.

In a wave of panic-buying reminiscent of the national initiatives famine of 2005, desperate managers stripped supermarket shelves of neologisms, hypotheses and colourful diagrams.

Tesco reported that shoppers were ignoring “one per customer” signs and filling their trolleys with new care models and transformation hyperbole “as if they were going out of fashion”.

Panic buy-in

Judy, a horizon-scanning manager at a national body, said: “I couldn’t believe it. I went to Asda hoping to pick up supplies for an accelerator programme and the shelves were bare. The only things left were a few packs of Vanguard Original and they were well past their sell-by date.”

Hassan, an impact and delivery manager for quick wins at a hospital trust, said: “It was chaos. I saw people fighting to get their hands on the last scraps of management jargon and one man was caught trying to make off with two assurance frameworks and a maturity matrix hidden inside his duffel coat.”

Clear blue water shortage

Reports are common of acronyms being traded for over-the-counter infographics and of management consultants selling second-hand ideas at vastly inflated prices in supermarket car parks.

Supermarket bosses said that they could no longer guarantee supplies of low-hanging fruit, bottled clear blue water and granular produce.

Experts said that the most vulnerable with no ideas of their own would be the first to suffer.

Royston Twix, emeritus professor of applied thought-leadership at one of the country’s foremost internet-based healthcare academies, said: “Stocks of old chestnuts are already dangerously low. What’s going to happen to emergent integrated care systems and nascent place-based collaboratives if we run out of platitudes?”

Editor: Julian Patterson

julian.patterson@networks.nhs.uk
@NHSnetworks 

 
Anonymous says:
Mar 13, 2020 09:17 AM

Royston Twix - it's genius!

Anonymous says:
Mar 17, 2020 01:00 PM

The highlight of my working week!!