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NHS blows millions of OUR cash on bungled rescue deal

 
Thursday, 10 November 2016

NHS blows millions of OUR cash on bungled rescue deal

In which the latest revelations by the Health Service Journal on the state of NHS finances are retold in the style of one of Britain’s great tabloid newspapers.

Lazy hospital bosses have wasted another £270m of taxpayers’ money by missing their own financial targets.

Hospital trusts were already forecast to make a whopping £580m loss this year. Now red-faced bosses admit the true figure could be nearer £850m.

That’s more than THREE times the £250m loss originally forecast.

Asking for it

The government accused the NHS of going back on the terms of its OWN rescue deal.

“When NHS England boss Simon Stevens came to us with a plan to get hospitals out of the red and asked for enough money to do the job, we gave him a stonking £10bn and told him to get on with it,” said a spokeswoman for the Department of Health.

In return, Stevens promised to halt the decline of the NHS.

But NONE of the problems in Stevens’ five-year rescue plan have been solved.

Broken promises

He said people were too fat. Fact: many people are still fat, despite millions spent on attempts to find a cure.

He said he would get rid of sugar, one of the main causes of fat people. Fact: sugar is still freely available over the counter on every high street.

He said people need more exercise. Fact: many of them still can’t really be bothered.

He said people should stop smoking. Fact: there are now even more ways to smoke than ever, thanks to e-cigs and rising air pollution.

He said people are getting too old. Fact: since the Stevens plan was published, the UK population has grown even older. Most people have aged by approximately two years. Many of the rest have DIED of old age.

He said the NHS is short of cash. Fact: taxpayers give even MORE handouts to the NHS than to Brussels bureaucrats and dole scroungers put together. 

Rough figures

Hospital bosses hit back saying that financial targets were “unrealistic” and that they had only agreed to them under pressure from government officials.

The Department of Health denied that managers who refused to sign up to the targets had been “roughed up a bit” or threatened with the sack.

“The NHS gave us its own plan. All we did was insert our own figures and dates,” said the spokeswoman.

* On other pages: How I’d sort out NHS finances once and for all – analysis by Katie Hopkins.

Media editor: Julian Patterson

@jtweeterson
julian.patterson@networks.nhs.uk

 
david seabrooke
david seabrooke says:
Nov 11, 2016 08:41 AM

I'm put in mind of the scene in 1984 where Winston Smith has to take part in a daily mass exercise routine (played by John Hurt in the movie - his health and diet are really poor - he can barely manage it) in front of the telescreen in his flat. We already know the telescreen is two-way and sure enough, as he day-dreams about his lost childhood and past rather than touching his toes, the instructor singles him out... "6079 Smith W.! Yes, YOU!"

Alison Giraud-Saunders
Alison Giraud-Saunders says:
Nov 11, 2016 09:20 AM

Scarily good pastiche, Julian! Mr Dacre will be offering you a job, no doubt

Julian Patterson
Julian Patterson says:
Nov 11, 2016 10:40 AM

Thanks, Alison. I won't hold my breath for the job offer.