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It's got our name on it


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Friday, 3 May 2013

It's got our name on it

It has been a bumper week for news, so we have pulled out a few of the headlines and imagined the stories that might have appeared under them. Only the headlines are real. (The ironically challenged are advised to head straight for the news pages and the serious news.)

Commissioning a good child health service
Doctors unveiled controversial new plans for a health service exclusively for good children.  A leading doctor said: “Children are a nuisance at the best of times. With waiting rooms overflowing and pressure on resources, it makes sense to prioritise the well-behaved ones.”

Citing research showing that good children were more likely to eat sensibly, attend to personal hygiene and avoid accidents than the naughty ones, GPs said the new approach would reward the “deserving young” for their healthy lifestyles. 

A variant of the “friends and family” test will be used to decide which children qualify to see a doctor and which have recently hit their sister or failed to tidy their bedrooms.

Friends and family of the child will be asked to rate them from 0 to 10 in answer to the question: “Would you recommend this child to a clinician?”

A new model for general practice
GPs expressed disappointment at government plans to resolve the problem of GP premises by asking GPs to build new ones themselves. Instead of the increase in funding they had hoped for, GPs will be issued with self-assembly health centres from DIY chain Wickes.

The new NHS premises agency ShedCo said: “The flat-packed, lightweight, modular clinical units offer a value for money, up-to-date alternative to today’s ageing and unsuitable doctors’ premises.” 

Each unit comes with a free screwdriver, a tin of EU-approved creosote substitute and a pre-painted NHS logo. “It’s got our name on it,” ShedCo said.

Tracking staff moves during transition: people tracker
NHS staff are being tagged to prevent any more of them getting lost during the transition from the old NHS to the new and improved one. The process or “lifting and shifting” staff has left many confused about where they are going and what they are supposed to be doing, and some have gone missing altogether.

“A number of my colleagues have disappeared,” said one manager. “I can only assume they are still stuck on the ring road trying to find the office.” 

A government spokesman acknowledged that “a few” managers were still missing, adding “we’re confident that it is no more than 10,000 and that they won’t turn up eventually”.

The electronic tags will allow senior managers to know where staff are and what they are doing at all times. The tags can also be used to administer a small electric shock to keep the wearer focused on quality, outcomes and efficiency.

Senior managers’ luxuriant pot plants are also to be tagged after several yuccas and a large begonia went missing en route to a CCG in Surrey.

juliamanning says:
May 03, 2013 11:50 AM
You brighten up my Fridays, thank you.