144,678 members

Skip to content. | Skip to navigation


Britain’s Got Tariff


Blog headlines

  • Link of the week: National Cholesterol Month
    23 October 2020

    Every month or week of the year seems to be an awareness week, October has more than its fair share.

  • New redeployment service offers talent pool of motivated, work-ready individuals
    15 October 2020

    People 1st International have shared some of the work they are doing to support people displaced from industries due to the Covid-19 pandemic. There is an opportunity for health and care services to benefit from this workforce.

  • Link of the week
    9 October 2020

    Article published in the BMJ looking at the ability of the health service to quickly bounce back to pre-Covid levels of activity and considers if it is desirable.

  • Virtual Consultations– the patient perspective
    2 October 2020

    This week Jessie Cunnett, director of health and social care at Transverse has shared this article.

  • Virtual Consultations– the patient perspective
    1 October 2020

    This week Jessie Cunnett, director of health and social care at Transverse has shared this article - Virtual Consultations– the patient perspective.

  • Celebrating innovation in eye research
    24 September 2020

    This week Julian Jackson from VisionBridge has shared a report on eye research.

  • Link of the week: Comprehensive Spending Review and Covid-19
    24 September 2020

    This week we are sharing a blog that outlines the funding pressures and uncertainties faced by the health and care system

  • Risk stratifying elective care patients
    10 September 2020

    This blog has been shared by MBI healthcare technologies. As services are starting to treat routine patients those on waiting lists are making enquiries as to where they are on the list, and if they are still on the list.

  • Link of the week
    4 September 2020

    This week the link we would like to share are reflections from physiotherapy students on placement at Alzheimer Scotland https://letstalkaboutdementia.wordpress.com/

  • Link of the week
    28 August 2020

    This week we would like to share a blog published on the Mind website about being a BAME health worker in the pandemic.

  • Remote clinical triage model
    20 August 2020

    This week we are sharing how a remote clinical triage model was implemented at Tollgate Medical Centre. This has been shared with us by Sarah Portway, a Nurse, and Clinical Services Manager at Tollgate Medical Centre.

  • Can the Community Pharmacy become the gateway to integrated care in the NHS?
    13 August 2020

    The NHS is a continually evolving innovative demand led public service the role of the Community Pharmacist is becoming the public face on a journey to the more responsible public engagement in the personal care of individuals and their family. There are currently over 11000 Pharmacies many are single or small chain service providers, while multiples occupy the urban shopping centres and more densely populated conurbations, the value of the rural High Street can’t be understated.

  • Crunch time for patient involvement
    7 August 2020

    There are new challenges for primary care, which could really do with patient input. Mike Etkind, chair of a PPG and founding member of his PCN’s patient group, recognises the size of the task clinical directors have managed over the last few months but identifies two particular issues where patients have a necessary and valuable contribution, that need to be addressed now – the 2020 vaccination programme and primary care from a distance- total triage, remote consultations, and the use of telemedicine.

  • Link of the week - Visionbridge
    31 July 2020

    The link we are sharing this week was submitted by Julian Jackson, Visionbridge.

  • Links of the week
    23 July 2020

    This week we are sharing two articles with you.

  • Link of the week
    21 July 2020

    The blog is from the perspective of the Company Chemist Association's Chief Executive Malcolm Harrison.

  • Link of the week
    9 July 2020

    This week we are sharing a blog from the NHS Confederation’s “NHS Reset” looking at the work of Healthwatch, the role of volunteers in supporting patients being discharged from hospital and the importance of the community.

  • Virtual education sessions on spinal cord injury from Spinal Injuries Association
    2 July 2020

    This week Karen Mikalsen from the Spinal Injuries Association shares some information on their work and events for healthcare professionals.

  • Guest blog:Karen Chumley
    25 June 2020

    Thank you to Karen Chumley for a second blog –this time on the local use of an Electronic Palliative Care Coordination system during the Covid-19 pandemic. Karen is the Clinical Director and Deputy CEO at St Helena.

  • Link of the week
    19 June 2020

    This week's link of the week is article by Yasmin Khanagha published in Nursing Times – Why we need to open the conversation about racism.

Thursday, 12 May 2016

Britain’s Got Tariff

Imagine if the House of Commons health select committee worked like a prime time TV show. Wait – you don’t have to. Here’s a transcript of this week’s Britain’s Got Tariff, which went out from Westminster on Monday featuring four hopefuls named Jeremy (a wannabe health secretary), Simon (his sensible friend), David (an accountant) and Bob (an office manager).

Four nervous looking blokes walk on stage

Amanda Holden (to Alesha Dixon): Ooh, they’re really fit!

David Walliams: Hello, boys!  Forget the CSR, I can feel a comprehensive spanking review coming on.

Audience laughter

Simon Cowell: Haven’t we seen you before?

Nervous looking blokes all shake their heads

Cowell: What do you call yourselves?

Contestant 1: We’re The Breach Boys.

Cowell (points at contestant): And what’s your name?

Contestant 1: Jeremy.

Cowell: Not you – him.

Contestant 2: Simon.

Cowell: So who’s the leader?

Contestants 1 and 2 (pointing at each other): He is!

Audience laughter

Cowell: So you’re a comedy act. And what do the others do?

Jeremy: They fill in when we forget our lines.

Cowell: Okay, show us what you’ve got. Good luck!

Soundtrack: Big Spender

Jeremy (singing): As soon as I walked in the joint, you could tell I was a man of distinctions, a real dissembler…

Cowell interrupts

Cowell: I’m going to have to stop you there. I thought you were comedians.

Jeremy: We are!

David: Don’t worry about Mr Grumpy, boys. He’s only jealous because you’ve got such big ones – spending plans, I mean, cheeky! Keep going…

Soundtrack: generic hip-hop beat

Simon S (busting some moves): We gotta multi billion settlement/To keep hospitals runnin’ for the brothers, yo!/‘Til we’re all done buildin’ our ACOs/We got Franklins for me homies in mental 'ealth/Plus a heap of loot for the GP muthas/So long as I makes me efficiencies/And we don’t get shafted by Jim Mack-ie/Or da CQC, yeah da CQC…

Cowell (halting the proceedings): I didn’t understand a word of that.

Amanda: Who cares? He’s so sweet!

Audience whistles

Alesha: Ooh, they really are big spenders. So where did you get all this money, boys?

Jeremy: We don’t have it as such, but if we get through to the live finals, we’ll have it by then.

Audience laughter

Cowell: How?

Jeremy: Simon knows where it is, don’t you Simon?

Simon S: Lord Carter’s saving it up for us.

Cowell: Is he here?

Jeremy: No, he’s too busy looking for the money.

Audience laughter

David: They really are very funny after all!

Cowell: Okay, I’ve seen enough. Let’s vote. David?

David: It’s a big fat spending review yes from me.

Cowell: Amanda?

Amanda: They just breached my departmental expenditure limit, so it’s a yes from me.

Cowell: Alesha?

Alesha: They can look after my health and social care needs any day of the week!

Simon C: Well, it wasn’t great. You two were out of tune some of the time and I couldn’t hear the other two at all, plus a lot of your material was very old…

Audience catcalls

…but the audience seems to like you, so it’s four yeses.

You’ve got your work cut out if you hope to make it all the way to the finals. I’ll need to see a much more convincing performance next time. I don’t suppose any of you has a dancing dog?

Congratulations, you're through!

Breach Boys hug and jump up and down before fist-pumping their way off stage; cut to extended commercial break for health insurance

Next week: the boys return as Steps tribute band Step Change; Jeremy as “H” declares that this will be his last big job in entertainment, to warm applause. 

Reality TV editor: Julian Patterson