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Britain’s Got Tariff

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Thursday, 12 May 2016

Britain’s Got Tariff

Imagine if the House of Commons health select committee worked like a prime time TV show. Wait – you don’t have to. Here’s a transcript of this week’s Britain’s Got Tariff, which went out from Westminster on Monday featuring four hopefuls named Jeremy (a wannabe health secretary), Simon (his sensible friend), David (an accountant) and Bob (an office manager).

Four nervous looking blokes walk on stage

Amanda Holden (to Alesha Dixon): Ooh, they’re really fit!

David Walliams: Hello, boys!  Forget the CSR, I can feel a comprehensive spanking review coming on.

Audience laughter

Simon Cowell: Haven’t we seen you before?

Nervous looking blokes all shake their heads

Cowell: What do you call yourselves?

Contestant 1: We’re The Breach Boys.

Cowell (points at contestant): And what’s your name?

Contestant 1: Jeremy.

Cowell: Not you – him.

Contestant 2: Simon.

Cowell: So who’s the leader?

Contestants 1 and 2 (pointing at each other): He is!

Audience laughter

Cowell: So you’re a comedy act. And what do the others do?

Jeremy: They fill in when we forget our lines.

Cowell: Okay, show us what you’ve got. Good luck!

Soundtrack: Big Spender

Jeremy (singing): As soon as I walked in the joint, you could tell I was a man of distinctions, a real dissembler…

Cowell interrupts

Cowell: I’m going to have to stop you there. I thought you were comedians.

Jeremy: We are!

David: Don’t worry about Mr Grumpy, boys. He’s only jealous because you’ve got such big ones – spending plans, I mean, cheeky! Keep going…

Soundtrack: generic hip-hop beat

Simon S (busting some moves): We gotta multi billion settlement/To keep hospitals runnin’ for the brothers, yo!/‘Til we’re all done buildin’ our ACOs/We got Franklins for me homies in mental 'ealth/Plus a heap of loot for the GP muthas/So long as I makes me efficiencies/And we don’t get shafted by Jim Mack-ie/Or da CQC, yeah da CQC…

Cowell (halting the proceedings): I didn’t understand a word of that.

Amanda: Who cares? He’s so sweet!

Audience whistles

Alesha: Ooh, they really are big spenders. So where did you get all this money, boys?

Jeremy: We don’t have it as such, but if we get through to the live finals, we’ll have it by then.

Audience laughter

Cowell: How?

Jeremy: Simon knows where it is, don’t you Simon?

Simon S: Lord Carter’s saving it up for us.

Cowell: Is he here?

Jeremy: No, he’s too busy looking for the money.

Audience laughter

David: They really are very funny after all!

Cowell: Okay, I’ve seen enough. Let’s vote. David?

David: It’s a big fat spending review yes from me.

Cowell: Amanda?

Amanda: They just breached my departmental expenditure limit, so it’s a yes from me.

Cowell: Alesha?

Alesha: They can look after my health and social care needs any day of the week!

Simon C: Well, it wasn’t great. You two were out of tune some of the time and I couldn’t hear the other two at all, plus a lot of your material was very old…

Audience catcalls

…but the audience seems to like you, so it’s four yeses.

You’ve got your work cut out if you hope to make it all the way to the finals. I’ll need to see a much more convincing performance next time. I don’t suppose any of you has a dancing dog?

Congratulations, you're through!

Breach Boys hug and jump up and down before fist-pumping their way off stage; cut to extended commercial break for health insurance

Next week: the boys return as Steps tribute band Step Change; Jeremy as “H” declares that this will be his last big job in entertainment, to warm applause. 

Reality TV editor: NHS Networks