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All the latest health policy news from the general **** campaign

 

Blog headlines

  • Sustainability and transformation parties: mandatory guidance
    5 December 2019

    As Christmas fast approaches, system leaders are getting ready for so-called sustainability and transformation parties, the highlight of the year for those who enjoy kinky integration with strangers.

  • All the latest health policy news from the general **** campaign
    29 November 2019

    Because purdah is still in force, this week’s **** has been heavily redacted. Here are the main parties’ plans for government as set out in their manifestos. A full unexpurgated version can be obtained from **** Party HQ.

  • New outfit more splendidly integrated than ever
    21 November 2019

    The emperor has announced plans for yet another new outfit, amid claims that this one will be even more splendid than the last.

  • Purdah – guidance for professionals
    15 November 2019

    After Christmas and the HSJ Awards, purdah is Martin Plackard’s favourite time of year.

  • Tools honoured in Blithering awards
    8 November 2019

    The Blithering Celebrating Success Awards are always eagerly anticipated. Every November, they recognise the commitment and dedication of people who put other people at the heart of everything they do before going the extra mile in their shoes. They also reflect the passionate belief of the organisers, Spume Media, in an awards-led approach to healthcare improvement science.

  • Provisional findings of the interim report
    31 October 2019

    The programme delivery group at One Blithering, the emergent NHS Blithering integrated care system, has published an interim report containing the provisional findings of a year-long strategic review.

  • Toast
    25 October 2019

    "The biggest complaint about the NHS which is beloved by everyone is about the food, and the biggest complaint about the food is about the lack of toast.”

  • Plackard’s misdirection and a victory for old power
    17 October 2019

    In which no one can find Plackard's signposting event, an old foe returns from his past and Sir Trevor Longstay loses interest in compassion

  • Sir Trevor defends revolving door
    4 October 2019

    Sir Trevor Longstay has hit out at proposals designed to make it harder for failed NHS directors to get new jobs with no questions asked.

  • The Blithering ICS newsletter
    26 September 2019

    Every month, the Project Management Office (PMO) of the Blithering ICS, All of Us Blithering Together, publishes a strategic briefing for stakeholders.

  • Is obeying the law bad for your health?
    13 September 2019

    (With apologies to Private Eye’s A Doctor)

  • The innovation greenhouse
    5 September 2019

    Faced with ordinary problems that they cannot solve – lack of funds, staff shortages, rising demand, falling morale (you know the ones) – our leaders propose extraordinary solutions.

  • The inclusivity summit
    15 August 2019

    As ever, Sir Trevor Longstay knew exactly what he wanted. “This has to be an exclusive event. I want all the right people there – and a decent lunch. See to it Plackard,” he said.

  • Old Matt, new Matt: Mr Hancock’s diary
    8 August 2019

    Proud to be in Boris’s cabinet but a bit peeved to be back at Health and the Other Thing. BJ hinted at the Home Office or the Foreign Office but I gather he said that to everyone.

  • The people's druggist
    1 August 2019

    The NHS is to recruit more than 1000 social apothecaries to work in primary care networks.

  • NHS Frameworx promises 'relentless focus on tools'
    25 July 2019

    NHS England and Improvement has created NHS Frameworx, a semi-autonomous delivery unit for toolkit innovation and best practice.

  • Plackard’s guide to impactful messaging as part of the NHS Long Term Plan
    19 July 2019

    What are you doing to implement the NHS Long Term Plan in your area? You should by now be talking about it in everything you do. Impactful communications is the key to delivery – and volume is the key to achieving impact. This toolkit and comprehensive suite of accompanying resources, by the NHS’s leading strategic communicator, Martin Plackard, aims to help others to deliver the NHS Long Term Plan’s central message that the plan is working.

  • Blithering Stakeholder News
    12 July 2019

    All the latest BS news from the country’s most challenged health economy. In this edition we cover the progress of an IT project under the personal direction of Sir Trevor Longstay, plus an update on the hospital's financial improvement plan and exciting news from the patient experience programme

  • Martin Plackard’s implementation framework
    5 July 2019

    This week, NHS Blithering's communications supremo Martin Plackard, looks forward to delivering the commitments of the NHS Long Term Plan. But first he has to reassure Sir Trevor Longstay, head of the Blithering STP, that the newly published NHS England Implementation Framework leaves plenty of scope for local determination

  • Make time for values
    21 June 2019

    Most of us would like to be more values-based, but finding the time can be tricky.

 
 
Friday, 29 November 2019

All the latest health policy news from the general **** campaign

Because purdah is still in force, this week’s **** has been heavily redacted. Here are the main parties’ plans for government as set out in their manifestos. A full unexpurgated version can be obtained from **** Party HQ.

The **** Party

The prime **** announced that the **** Party would provide the NHS with 50,000 more nurses.  Later, the secretary of state for health and **** **** struggled to explain the numbers after it emerged that 18,500 of the total would be accounted for by preventing existing staff from leaving.

“When I said more, I really meant not less and definitely not just the same amount,” said Matt **** pointing out that the figure would have been much higher if it had included all the nurses currently employed by the NHS.

Opposition parties said 50,000 was a “suspiciously round number” and accused the minister of “plucking the figure out of thin ****”.  

Mr **** also defended his party’s pledge to employ 6000 new GPs. This he said was a 20% increase on the number of new family doctors promised by his predecessor **** [name misspelt], and several thousand percent bigger than the number that actually materialised.

The **** are also promising to build 40 more **** of which six would be new and the rest would be “certainly not fewer than we have now and definitely not older”.

The **** Party

In the biggest news of the week, the **** leader Jeremy **** said he had uncovered “definitive proof” of a **** Party plot to sell the NHS to President ****.

The evidence for the claim was contained in an explosive report disguised as a dull, technical document about drug pricing. Mr **** waved redacted versions at a press conference with all the boring bits – 450 of the document’s 451 pages – crossed out. “This puts it beyond doubt that there is a **** plot led by the billionaires in charge of the BBC to sell our **** to the United States of ****,” he said.

In a bold seven-point plan, Mr **** promised to:

  1. Remove the listing for the NHS from eBay with immediate effect
  2. Give NHS staff a **** percent pay rise
  3. Transfer 120,000 hairdressers to social **** and introduce free personal grooming to bring over-65s up to the standards of the **** Party leadership
  4. Employ an extra 100,000 staff in frontline **** by ending zero-hours contracts, retrain pizza delivery staff as paramedics, take Uber into public ownership and convert every Toyota Prius in the country for use as green ambulances   
  5. Plant an NHS forest to make it impossible to see the wood for the ****
  6. Put a cap on the number of awkward questions the Institute of **** Studies would be permitted to ask about the affordability of spending plans and taxation.

Editor: Julian ****
julian.patterson@networks.nhs.uk

 
geraint thomas
geraint thomas says:
Nov 29, 2019 04:24 PM

Bloody brilliant!

Dr MT Alban
Dr MT Alban says:
Nov 29, 2019 04:31 PM

Little makes me laugh in the NHS these days, but your post always do. Very good indeed.

Jonathan Wells
Jonathan Wells says:
Nov 29, 2019 05:23 PM

It is hard for satire to keep ahead of the craziness of everyday life but this column is one of the highlights of my week. The scary thing is that it is actually closer to the truth of today's NHS than most NHS Trust Board reports and political pronouncements.

Julian Patterson
Julian Patterson says:
Dec 01, 2019 11:07 AM

Thanks for the comments above - and enjoy what's left of your weekends