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All the latest health policy news from the general **** campaign


Blog headlines

  • Social distancing the Longstay way
    27 March 2020

    We asked Sir Trevor Longstay, chief executive of the NHS Blithering University Hospitals Foundation Trust and commander-in-chief of the Blithering Covid-19 Taskforce to give us some practical tips on social distancing. Here he shares some of the lessons learned over four decades of leadership – not all of them relevant or epidemiologically sound

  • Nothing left to shift: fears grow over NHS paradigm supply
    12 March 2020

    The government has issued a stark warning that stocks of paradigms and other basic supplies could soon run out if NHS managers continue panic-buying.

  • Matt Hancock’s diary – a week of levelling up
    27 February 2020

    Taking personal charge of global pandemics is one of the perks of this job. I’m referring to coronavirus, of course, and I’m booked to appear on Sky News to talk about it.

  • Exceeding your expectations: the Blithering staff survey
    20 February 2020

    Staff at NHS Blithering feel listened to “at least once a year” and report that their expectations of taking part in surveys have been “met” or “exceeded” in the past 12 months.

  • Martin Plackard’s week: Tuesday
    7 February 2020

    The second in our series of privileged insights to the working life of Martin Plackard, the NHS’s most gifted communicator

  • Martin Plackard’s week: Monday
    30 January 2020

    First in an occasional series of glimpses into a typical week in the life of Martin Plackard, the NHS's most influential strategic communicator

  • A quick guide to quick guides
    24 January 2020

    Few of us have time for long documents that take ages to read or a lot of expertise to put together. That’s where quick guides come in.

  • Towards people and impact
    17 January 2020

    This week the Royal Pharmaceutical Society advertised for a head of engagement and belonging. Such titles can be controversial – but not for Martin Plackard, whose CV features a number of leadership roles in the fields of impact, euphemism management and talent delivery.

  • National log-in reset will change everything
    9 January 2020

    This week the Department of Health and Social Care announced a £40m investment to make it easier to log-in to NHS computers. It’s a laudable aim, akin to fitting a keyless entry system to a Ford Anglia to make it go faster.

  • Martin Plackard’s top tips for making a difference in 2020
    3 January 2020

    NHS Blithering’s Martin Plackard MBE was recognised in the new year honours list for services to strategic communications and meaningful engagement. Here he gives his top tips for others who hope to make a very real difference to people, communities and their own career prospects in 2020.

  • My amazing Twitter year – by Matt Hancock
    20 December 2019

    It's been a fantastic year on social media for the secretary of state for health and the other thing. Here it is in very nearly his own words

  • Sustainability and transformation parties: mandatory guidance
    5 December 2019

    As Christmas fast approaches, system leaders are getting ready for so-called sustainability and transformation parties, the highlight of the year for those who enjoy kinky integration with strangers.

  • All the latest health policy news from the general **** campaign
    29 November 2019

    Because purdah is still in force, this week’s **** has been heavily redacted. Here are the main parties’ plans for government as set out in their manifestos. A full unexpurgated version can be obtained from **** Party HQ.

  • New outfit more splendidly integrated than ever
    21 November 2019

    The emperor has announced plans for yet another new outfit, amid claims that this one will be even more splendid than the last.

  • Purdah – guidance for professionals
    15 November 2019

    After Christmas and the HSJ Awards, purdah is Martin Plackard’s favourite time of year.

  • Tools honoured in Blithering awards
    8 November 2019

    The Blithering Celebrating Success Awards are always eagerly anticipated. Every November, they recognise the commitment and dedication of people who put other people at the heart of everything they do before going the extra mile in their shoes. They also reflect the passionate belief of the organisers, Spume Media, in an awards-led approach to healthcare improvement science.

  • Provisional findings of the interim report
    31 October 2019

    The programme delivery group at One Blithering, the emergent NHS Blithering integrated care system, has published an interim report containing the provisional findings of a year-long strategic review.

  • Toast
    25 October 2019

    "The biggest complaint about the NHS which is beloved by everyone is about the food, and the biggest complaint about the food is about the lack of toast.”

  • Plackard’s misdirection and a victory for old power
    17 October 2019

    In which no one can find Plackard's signposting event, an old foe returns from his past and Sir Trevor Longstay loses interest in compassion

  • Sir Trevor defends revolving door
    4 October 2019

    Sir Trevor Longstay has hit out at proposals designed to make it harder for failed NHS directors to get new jobs with no questions asked.

Friday, 29 November 2019

All the latest health policy news from the general **** campaign

Because purdah is still in force, this week’s **** has been heavily redacted. Here are the main parties’ plans for government as set out in their manifestos. A full unexpurgated version can be obtained from **** Party HQ.

The **** Party

The prime **** announced that the **** Party would provide the NHS with 50,000 more nurses.  Later, the secretary of state for health and **** **** struggled to explain the numbers after it emerged that 18,500 of the total would be accounted for by preventing existing staff from leaving.

“When I said more, I really meant not less and definitely not just the same amount,” said Matt **** pointing out that the figure would have been much higher if it had included all the nurses currently employed by the NHS.

Opposition parties said 50,000 was a “suspiciously round number” and accused the minister of “plucking the figure out of thin ****”.  

Mr **** also defended his party’s pledge to employ 6000 new GPs. This he said was a 20% increase on the number of new family doctors promised by his predecessor **** [name misspelt], and several thousand percent bigger than the number that actually materialised.

The **** are also promising to build 40 more **** of which six would be new and the rest would be “certainly not fewer than we have now and definitely not older”.

The **** Party

In the biggest news of the week, the **** leader Jeremy **** said he had uncovered “definitive proof” of a **** Party plot to sell the NHS to President ****.

The evidence for the claim was contained in an explosive report disguised as a dull, technical document about drug pricing. Mr **** waved redacted versions at a press conference with all the boring bits – 450 of the document’s 451 pages – crossed out. “This puts it beyond doubt that there is a **** plot led by the billionaires in charge of the BBC to sell our **** to the United States of ****,” he said.

In a bold seven-point plan, Mr **** promised to:

  1. Remove the listing for the NHS from eBay with immediate effect
  2. Give NHS staff a **** percent pay rise
  3. Transfer 120,000 hairdressers to social **** and introduce free personal grooming to bring over-65s up to the standards of the **** Party leadership
  4. Employ an extra 100,000 staff in frontline **** by ending zero-hours contracts, retrain pizza delivery staff as paramedics, take Uber into public ownership and convert every Toyota Prius in the country for use as green ambulances   
  5. Plant an NHS forest to make it impossible to see the wood for the ****
  6. Put a cap on the number of awkward questions the Institute of **** Studies would be permitted to ask about the affordability of spending plans and taxation.

Editor: Julian ****

geraint thomas
geraint thomas says:
Nov 29, 2019 04:24 PM

Bloody brilliant!

Dr MT Alban
Dr MT Alban says:
Nov 29, 2019 04:31 PM

Little makes me laugh in the NHS these days, but your post always do. Very good indeed.

Jonathan Wells
Jonathan Wells says:
Nov 29, 2019 05:23 PM

It is hard for satire to keep ahead of the craziness of everyday life but this column is one of the highlights of my week. The scary thing is that it is actually closer to the truth of today's NHS than most NHS Trust Board reports and political pronouncements.

Julian Patterson
Julian Patterson says:
Dec 01, 2019 11:07 AM

Thanks for the comments above - and enjoy what's left of your weekends