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ACO sightings dismissed as hoax

 
Thursday, 24 August 2017

ACO sightings dismissed as hoax

Experts said last night that reports of ACO sightings were “not remotely credible” and had all the hallmarks of a hoax.

A number of witnesses claim to have seen the phenomena, said to originate from a more advanced civilisation, but none can provide a clear description or evidence to back up their claims.

Dismissing rumours of an imminent ACO invasion as mass hysteria, a government spokesperson said: “These reports usually come from gullible NHS managers with a history of believing in crackpot theories. Only last year there was a spate of stories about so-called vanguards from another galaxy coming to Earth to make everything better.”

But witnesses continue to stand by their accounts of a gigantic fabrication from outer space.

Scale and space

Some talked about a bright light in the sky, while others described a huge craft travelling at immense speed in no particular direction.

One said: “It was hovering just over the horizon bathed in an unearthly light, almost as if it didn’t really exist.”

Another witness described her frustration at not being believed. “I tried to tell my husband about the ACO when I got home, but he said I must be imagining things.”

Great pie forward view

References to ACOs have been found in cave paintings and ancient writings. The cult leader and self-styled prophet Simon the Unshaven foretold “a great pie in the sky”, which he predicted would appear before the end of the next parliament. 

In his description of an apocalyptic event known as the Transformation, St Simon wrote that inefficient hospitals and shabby GP surgeries would be razed to the ground and unbelievers would be vaporised by lasers fired from the Great Pie.

“Yea, and shining citadels of integrated care peopled by the multispecialty faithful shall take their place,” he told a fringe meeting of followers at this year’s NHS Confederation, the annual gathering of visionaries and prophets.

On another planet

The alleged ACO sightings have been linked to mysterious disappearances of doctors, several of whom have gone missing for years. Most have returned apparently unharmed but with no memory of anything that happened to them while they were away. The official explanation is that they were performing “national roles” at a top-secret establishment known only as the Centre, but the victims continue to insist that they were abducted by aliens.

The families and friends of those that are still missing firmly believe they are on another planet.

Meanwhile, a photograph claimed to prove the existence of ACOs has now been exposed as a clever fake. The discovery was made by a passer-by at Skipton House, who reported seeing a bearded man throwing a large pie from a sixth floor window while another man took pictures on an iPad.

Science editor: Julian Patterson

@jtweeterson
julian.patterson@networks.nhs.uk

 
Anonymous says:
Aug 25, 2017 08:34 AM

I do believe that there was a movement in the 50's and 60's (not sure if it was the 1850's or 1950's) that was broadly similar. I seem to think that it went extinct due to the lack of provisions and the upstarts of a new movement brushing everything aside to make room for the new NHS (what ever that means/was), there have been many stages of growth of the new animal and I believe it was last seen devouring the infinite resources of the Government, and the Government trying to choke it to death with a very strong leash. It's taking an awfully long time to bring to heel and one wonders if it will survive the 'training'. Hey-ho! what are the workers who are feeding this animal and nurture it back to health worth, they are only the minions running round like headless 'chucks', being told that they must keep going or the animal will die. What do they know!!!!!!!

Anonymous says:
Aug 25, 2017 09:38 AM

Hello and thanks for this, it's brought me and my team up to date with the latest terminology. All these TLA's (three letter acronyms) as so confusing, our team have been working on the assumption ACO stood for Another Crazy Objective, how we've laughed this morning to discover our mistake!

Julian Patterson
Julian Patterson says:
Aug 25, 2017 10:39 AM

Glad to help clear that up

Jack Barber
Jack Barber says:
Aug 25, 2017 10:56 AM

Coo, I used to work for a three letter acronym - sounds very similar, ours was an RHA, Mrs Thatcher abolished it if I remember correctly, I left as soon as she announced her plans, ever since politicians have invented replacement similar TLA's, none seemed to be as efficient or sensible as the original but I'm probably prejudiced.

Anonymous says:
Aug 25, 2017 11:00 AM

I wish to remain anonymous to protect my ignorance, but what is an ACO? Acronyms are a big part of my CDO (extreme OCD) and I also suffer badly from FOMO . I have been having a sneaky snigger at my desk at this weeks news, but with a slightly puzzled look on my face. Please put me out of my misery. Many thanks

Julian Patterson
Julian Patterson says:
Aug 25, 2017 11:18 AM

Accountable care organisation - body contracted to deliver all of an area's health and care services including, potentially, primary and secondary care, social care and community services. Also known as accountable care systems (ACS), which in carefully nuanced NHS England language appears to mean an interim or not quite fully formed version of an ACO. I may be wrong. I haven't finished decoding the guidance. But in any case, don't worry about ignorance. It's not necessary to understand, merely to comply.

Anonymous says:
Aug 29, 2017 09:36 AM

I thought I spotted an STP once but it turned out to be a much more common gathering of CCGs.
On that note, Anyone know what is the correct term for a group of CCGs? - I suggest a Dodo.