These things happen, of course, but it does beg the question: why was Ian Dalton so hard to find? He is reasonably well known. Someone must have had his email address or phone number. Next time Imperial is looking for help, perhaps it will exhaust the low-cost options first, starting with a notice in the newsagent or an advert on NHS Jobs.

Mr Dalton’s new gig, incidentally, is chief executive of the irony regulator NHS Improvement.

Visionary

Sam Jones is no longer the face of the vanguard movement, but that doesn’t mean she’s lost interest in the cutting edge of innovation. “Just booked an eye test on my phone. Took about a minute. So easy…” she tweeted yesterday.

Later, Sam disclosed that she no longer relied on a kettle suspended over an open fire to heat bathwater and that she was experimenting with a device that allowed her to hold a conversation with someone several miles away as if they were in the same room.

Stone free

Although vanguards were responsible for a number of memorable innovations that will be documented in due course, none will be as impressive as the breakthrough in injury prevention unveiled this week by Marks & Spencer. The leading supplier of support chassis to NHS managers is stocking a product that could do more to relieve winter pressures on the NHS than all other urgent care initiatives put together.

The Guardian reports that M&S has introduced a stoneless avocado that promises to eliminate pitting injuries during the preparation of tricolore salads and guacamole. Waitrose is thought to be developing a flat carrot and a non-slip mango in an attempt to maintain its position as market leader in safe food solutions to the health-conscious middle classes.

Hard news

A different safety issue has arisen in Ringaskiddy, Ireland where, according to the Irish Post, fumes from a Viagra production facility are causing needless hardship among the male population. Men walking their dogs in the vicinity of the factory tell of debilitating side-effects including spontaneous outbreaks of localised wellbeing. Even the dogs have been seen walking stiffly, the papers report. A spokesman for Pfizer, the manufacturer of Viagra, looked pleased to see our reporter but rejected the story as an “amusing myth”.

Night rider

Nurses are even harder to find than Ian Dalton. Up to 40,000 of them are missing after a civil servant left the workforce plan on a bus a decade ago. Imagine Sheffield’s Hillsborough stadium or Stamford Bridge full to capacity and you’ll get a sense of what a big number that is. Or if it’s easier, think of it as eight times the number of GPs that have also disappeared.

Fortunately one man is doing all he can to help. Simon Stevens spent the night riding around London in an ambulance. This simple act of selflessness was Simon’s way of saying thank you to his comms team for everything they’ve done for him this year.

While moist-eyed, grateful editors were preparing to fill their newspapers with the story, there was a lone cynical voice in the cuddly, drug-addled form of commentator Fabbington Bear, who tweeted: “Thank you for finding him. We were so worried when he didn’t show up to the meeting last night. I hope you gave him a sandwich, soup and a nice warm jumper.”

News editor: Julian Patterson

@jtweeterson
julian.patterson@networks.nhs.uk